iwishthatwasme

Before I tell you about my dream let me give you some background....

When I was two years old my Aunt (my dad's sister) use to baby-sit me. Her husband, Celso, molested me at least a hand full of times. I think I remember at least three times, but I have blocked a lot of my childhood and don't remember a lot of things, so who knows what else I have blocked out. As I got older I was really into boys earlier than I should have. I lost my virginity at age eight, Then starting regularly being sexually active at twelve years old. I found out at age eight that my family knew that I was molested, because I didn't remember ever telling them (see what I mean about blocking). When I got married I it took time before I got over not liking my husband foundling me. Like grabbing me while he passes me by in the kitchen or something to that effect, now that doesn't bother me as much as it did. I get very upset when I ever I think about the whole subject ... the fact that Celso did that to me and then didn't have any repercussions for what he did, that he may have done it to other children, that my family didn't press charges, that my family and I mean my entire family, knows and acts like nothing ever happened, my parents, I feel like, they never tried to really help me by getting counseling right away and from then on because it did and does bother me that much, and that Celso could still be doing this to children including any of my little cousins, and that my Aunt said she never left me alone with him... yeah right... what the fuck ever... keep lying to yourself!

Just recently I found out first through a friend and then I verified it with a teacher of mine that is a family attorney, that I have until my 28th birthday to press charges. Well I'm 26 now. I first wasn't sure what I should do so I asked the opinion of my mom and then she 'consulted' with her mom and her sisters and they all came at me like I waited too long and it was too long ago and why didn't do something about it before and that I would just cause trouble!!!!! What The Fuck!!! Why didn't I!!! I waited too long!!! I would cause trouble!!! I couldn't believe that they came at me like that. I was devastated. Then I talked to my Dad about it because I was so hurt what my mom and her side had told me. My dad said to do what you want and what you feel is right, but your Aunt (my dad's sister) will kill herself if he goes to jail and your cousins will probably never talk to you again.. That hurt to. I felt stuck in this world of hate and confusion. Why should I have to let this man do this to me and just walk away like it was okay??? Why should I worry about what the fuck everybody thinks, he hurt me NOT them!! I hate everybody when it comes to this subject... I mean I really hate Everybody ... how dare them all justify what he has done to me. Fuckers!... why me...

Now for the dream... I'm in a house, my Aunt's house. Celso is asleep on a mattress on the floor. It's like they know that I'm there, but completely don't acknowledge that I'm there. There is a little baby girl sleeping in the bed with Celso. I'm just standing over him watching him and the baby girl sleep. He wakes up and like I said he acts like I'm not there. He rolls over and starts to touch the little girl inappropriately. I start kurking out. I start screaming ..What the fuck is wrong with you , What the Fuck are you doing, You fucking sick fuck ... and on and on, all while I'm grabbing anything I can get in my hands and just start beating the shit out of him. My Aunt then walks in and I'm still beating him with household objects and screaming. I finally stop and I turn to look at her and I tell her to keep an eye on him. Then I see a tear running down her cheek and she tells me she's sorry. Then Celso stands up and he has a gun. He starts coming after me. I jump from a second story window to get away. As I'm running through the front yard a female police officer is walking up. I start to tell her what happened and that he has a gun. She goes towards the house and I keep on running. I think I'm running to go and get my dad. I then start realizing that I've had this dream before and that Celso is going to shoot the cop and my Aunt. Then I start feeling guilty. I turn around and look at the house and I hear gun shots... then I wake up.

Anways that's it ... I've had this dream about three times, that I remember anyways. I still don't know if I'm going to press charges or not... I just don't know ...

I've been married to my husband for 4 years and it will/would be 5 years this November coming. He has put me through hell and back many many times. In past relationships all I had to deal with was a female coming into the picture and f'in things up and I thought that was all there was to worry about. But I was wrong when it came to my husband. His problem is drugs. I've known my husband since I was 15 years old and he was 16. Back then never in a million years would I have ever thought the straight A student, athlete, health freak that wouldn't even smoke cigarettes would ever have a chemical dependency. It truly blows my mind away. I have a real hard time grasping even the thought of ever being dependent to any drug or even alcohol. I know he still has the same big heart he had when we were kids and I do see it shine through every once and a while. But his aggressive, defensive, I don't need your shit, guilt trip, whoa is me, my life is too fucked up to fix attitude is what darkens that big heart. It hurts me to the bottom of my heart because I know if it wasn't for his drug issue everything would be lovely because I know the personality that lays beneath all that. But I don't think I can stick around much longer to see if he will ever be the man I know he his deep down. Like I said there are times that I seem a glimpse of it but it's never enough to make me feel happy, content, at ease or to even have full trust in him ever again. I wish I had the will power to suffer long enough to see him shine through one day. But I don’t think I can do it. And does a wife really have to suffer and deal with this long enough to see it through to the day that it’s all better? The thought of leaving him kills me to but I don’t want to suffer any more. He brings me down and holds me back. Not just me but our family as a whole. I'm tired of not trusting and always having to figure out how to make things better or fix the things he's f'ed up. I feel like I'm walking around with a broom, a dust pan, and my handy tools, following behind him, cleaning and repairing everything he damages. I'm tired of being that person. I have never had that type of personality... never. I use to never put up with peoples shit. No if or ands about it. Especially when it came to shit like this. And I'm tired of putting his mistakes and bad choices before my goals and dreams. Am I wrong for wanting to leave and be on my own? I wish that he didn't have these problems and we could move on to a better life for our family, but I don’t see it happening anymore. And I'm so scared that he is at his worse right now and from here on out its going to be better and I don’t see it coming and I leave him and regret it. That is my worst fear. That alone would crush me. To make the wrong decision and leave right when it’s about to get better. I guess that’s what I hold on to, that’s what keeps me sane is it might get better this might be the last time he acts like this or does these things. And the more I think about it my other fear is what if I'm fooling myself and stay and waste more years away. I hate not knowing what to do and I hate having the chance of a making the wrong choice. Because this isn't about just should i have cereal or oatmeal. This is my family and I want to hold all of us together, this is my children’s lives, their memories, their future, my future, my dreams for my children, and our happiness. I hate this.........

I weighed myself this morning and I finally hit a milestone in my weight that I've working towards forever it seems like.... I haven't been this weight since about 7 and half years ago during the pregnancy of my first child.... Just thinking about it makes me want to cry but cry happy tears.... the past seven years of my life have been very very very crazy, stressful and depressing... don't get me wrong I had very beautiful moments sprinkled in there and really only the good moments were associated with my two children. It's seems now that I look back on it I let everything that was going on overwhelm me to the point were I put myself last and all the drama first. I know that it's not going to stop here.. I know I'm going to keep loosing weight and I can't believe I'm so close to my teenage weight I can freakin’ taste it... finally... the only thing that sucks is I'm loosing my chest... man I forgot how small my boobs use to be.... damn genes...lol

TIP... Whenever I loose a couple of pounds I have this diet/weight tracker on my Yahoo home page that knows my original weight and my goal weight and every time I weigh in it tells me the percentage of how far I've come... that makes me feel a lot better and helps me stay motivated when I look at it every day... I make sure its front and center of my home page.

Well besides what's going on with my husband... I'm doing sooo much better since he left out of town.... I'm back on track with my healthy eating and exercise regimen... I've already started to loose my holiday pounds... the house is all tidy... everything is taken care of.... all I need to do is go up to the new school next week and complete my enrollment.... I can't wait until I get started and on a steady pace.... Hope it stays this way for a while... I so don't feel like being back down in the dumps.... But I keep telling myself... just breath and don't put up any barriers for yourself... don't get worked up.... and keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel... I can't... no I refuse for anything to bring me down... can I get an Amen!

Well.... call me a sucker for putting up with my husband and not leaving his ass.... first off.... he took eighty dollars out of the bank that wasn't there and caused us to go into negative AGAIN... not only that he did it in two separate transactions...brb....


**UPDATE**

After he did that the bank let him take more out two separate times even though the account was in the negative... so for all four transaction plus the atm switch fee and each overdraft fee came out to be 475.00 !!!!!! What the fuck is wrong with him... Of course I'm not an idiot and plus I'm a scorpio so I think every scenario out possible... and I would be wasting my time trying to figure it out by asking for the truth... I ask one time , let him know how I feel about the situation and about his excuse and then shut my mouth. And let me tell you that is really hard for me to do. The only reason that I do it is because I'm not prepared to take action YET.. I have to transfer to another school this month... find out my schedule... get a job and put the kids in daycare ASAP.. Once I get all those things in place... trust me if he hasn't changed ... which I doubt he will... He will be hearing the full load... and if he can't handle the heat that I'll be blasting at him... I'm going to tell him that I don't want to see him until we are in court... I have wasted 4 years... 4 YEARS!!! of MY LIFE putting up with his shit... But I did it because I love him And I wanted to help him get a hold of things and make life better for him and us as a family.. I have given Him every opportunity possible to make it right... He has absolutely no excuse... I have made everything easy for him... but maybe that's why he acts a fool... either way it's not right and he's an adult , a father, a husband and supposed to be a proactive leader as a man.... I am the one that has to take that position. Don't get me wrong I like being the proactive leader of my family ... but things would be so set and in place for all of us if he was too... we have our children’s future here that we have to think about and of course ours as a whole family... I told him that I refuse to go into my thirties doing this with him... the way I look at it... Your teenage years is for experimenting... your early twenties is for trial and error and trying to stay laying the foundation to your future... you late twenties is for building on top of that foundation even though its a slow process... your thirties is for keeping everything stable and staying on the right track towards your investments ... and your forties and there on is for reaping what you have sewed all these years... am I the only one that thinks this way...

And the cherry on the f'in pie is.... get this shit........ he has been treating me like a roommate.... no affection... no holding... no kissing... no sex... when he hugs me he gives me a pat on the back... and sometimes a peck.... Once again I'm not stupid... I know what this usually means ... he tries to tell me it's because he stressed out.... yeah okay... what the fuck ever... please ... he's not fooling my ass.... first off... stressed out about what??? his stupidity?? he builds his own barriers... and plus we've been through worse things than having to replace almost 500 dollars in the bank ... Listen there is still food on the table... everybody got their Christmas presents... I cooked for all the holidays... And I mean big ass meals... Everybody came over to our house for them... and we had plenty of leftovers to last up till forever... everybody has everything they need... so what's the deal??... so once again ...please... save your f'in breath... there is nothing to be that stressed over to the point of ignoring your wife... I have done nothing to him... I want the affection... even when he pulled all this shit... I didn't even blow up... I just had a very meaningful wise conversation about it and where we are heading if this continues and what we need to do to make it better... and what is to come if we do make it better.... but even when I just talk to him... he gets defensive and I'm not even talking to him in an aggressive manner... and trust me I'm a very diplomatic person... so maybe it's guilt ... who knows... and plus... about the way he's acting towards me... I know it can't be me because I know I'm not ugly... I'm not a bitch... I definitely not bad in bed... I give great head... I'm a good mother... a good housewife ... a great cook... I'll bend over backwards for the people I love... So again... I know it couldn't be me... so whatever...

Here's to the new year and getting myself together for the first time in four years... this year is about me and my kids... period... end of story

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I'm seem to be more and more depressed these days.... i cry about everything. One thing that I hate, that I seem to never be able to control since I was a kid, is that I cry when I see someone doing something I wish I could do.... as far back as could remember I've done that... the only way to stop it is either don't look at it or bite my cheek or tongue... Now what the fuck is that all about. I hate being this way........ I go through these ups and downs and trust me if anyone could observe you would know my downs because it looks like my house gets turned upside down... and when I'm up, my house is perfection. I go through this at least four times a month of back and forth and back and forth........ I even cry when I think about it.... aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... PS.... I hate anti-depressants...... and wont take them....... holistic is the key.... now only if I would take my own advise...

Well, even though I think that my husband doesn't have it all when it comes to the 'making decisions dept.', he actually surprised me and drove all the way back to Houston with his boss (his boss already needed to come to Houston for personal reasons) and showed up on our door step around 8am Sunday morning. He said he knew since the day before and it was killing him not to tell me. He said he missed us too much and wanted give me the money back that he pulled out... I love that boy.. even though he gets on my last nerve sometimes

Well... but of course I'm disappointed again by my husbands decisions. We didn't have a lot of money in our bank account and he took the last of it for absolutely no reason... when I told him that if he was going to take any ... to only take a certain amount out and that was it.... But I guess because he's out of town all the time it makes it okay.... who knows what the hell that man is thinking and what behind the scenes reasons he has... All I know is that he left us here with no money for a week... I'm just glad I got groceries when I did and paid the cell phone bill. Not even a f'in dollar was let for me and the kids.... all he could say was that he was sorry and he wasn't thinking.... what the fuck?! And of course where he's at, our bank isn't... so he can't put it back....Asshole.......